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“If you are depressed, your job is shitty. If you are anxious, you have no job. If you are at peace, then you’re probably dead.”

On a bright sunny day in the 5th century BC in the village of Chujen, the supreme old lord Lao Tzu sat under a Jasmine tree for about 6 hours straight. He revisited his soul and confronted his past gracefully with the heart of a lotus flower and stared deep and hard into his phone. He had a Pornhub premium account logged in on his Huawei P30 lite. Lao sat shifting from one video to another like a grasshopper leaping back and forth between the sunlight and shadows spontaneously, naturally, and compassionately.

Lao was deeply into Hentai and tentacle porn, his mom and his friend Sun thought he was weird because he used to masturbate in public under the sun and trees (Jasmine trees only). When master Tzu was once asked about his masturbation routine; he responded: “Great acts are made up of small deeds”.

Lao used to work in a soap factory, his job depressed him. Lucky for him, the economy was going downhill in China like a rolling stone; next thing you know Lao was spending most of his days and nights under Jasmine trees. His unemployment was the womb to his anxiety. Lao’s next step was to transcend life in order to find peace. After countless hours of sitting beneath a Jasmine tree, he carved thus into the tree: “If you are depressed, your job is shitty. If you are anxious, you have no job. If you are at peace, then you’re probably dead.”

Legend says that Lao Tzu was found dead and naked under that same Jasmine tree. Some say that he was completely dehydrated, some say that he overdosed on Viagra. In the end, it doesn’t matter what the cause of his death was, what matters is that he found peace.

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Philosophers lives matter. For existential purposes and failure in getting rich, I am overclocking my liver to refurbish Filosophy. A page for all and none.

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